Wait whaaaat?! They announced the wrong winner of best movie. The WRONG winner! What??!! How does that happen. I mean the announcer said how it happened but it still didn't make any GD sense?! Well congrats,
You the winner, ... we think?
"It's the nicest reception I've had in 250,000 years!" - Shirley McClaine, my personal hero
"My absence is out of respect for the people of my country..." - Iranian winner of best foreign film
"What's the deal with Mel's beautiful 26 year old child bride? I can't stop wondering about what must be going through her mind." -Carolyn my girl
"I'm not a Sting Fan, is that bad?" - Jake. To which we said, Yes. (But we meant, no, it's fine.)
Jimmy Kimmel's stunt with live people coming in during the Oscars: very clever. We liked the idea. But for the love of god-things, PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN!
We are getting input from the gallery via text:
Carolyn: That Moana girl is SIXTEEN! And it looked like she got smacked and totally didn't react.
True. That is true. We all noticed, and she handled it like a BOSS.
Dropping Red Vines and Junior Mints! Love it. They need this nourishment.
Sound mixing....we have NO idea on this one. What does this category even mean?! I apparently didn't even vote on it, because I am "not smart." But everyone else got it wrong so no harm no foul. Or some such cliche.
The Awards are going out! People are winning and people are losing. (And I mean us, the voters here in South Eugene)
We are basically tied up until the Makeup and Costume awards were announced, and then....
MISSY TOOK THE LEAD! Speech speech speech! [she gave a speech]
Ok now we've got Hidden Figures. And that speech was very short from the lady who actually was a hidden figure.
Documentary: and the Oscar goes to MISSY!!??? How and what?! She has misled us in her lack of knowledge. She's a RINGER!
Here's some tips on doing a great speech:
1. Focus dude.
2. Don't talk about how much time you left.
3. Talk about something funny, something meaningful, and something self-deprecating.
4. Include something you are passionate about. Not sky-diving. Not beanie babies. Something that actually matters.
You're welcome, Hollywood!
Opening number: too good for words. Also I was too busy with watching it (drinking wine) to do a play-by-play on that one.
Clay: Ai AI AI!!! (Clay is a poet warrior of the 2-year-old variety)
Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon try to buy the hatchet. "Chinese pony tail"?? I'm confused. What's new"?
Other great lines:
"Black people saved NASA and white people saved Jazz."
"Manchester by the sea. People who liked this also bought Zoloft."
"We don't discriminate based on what country you come from. We discriminate based on age and how much you weigh."
"Meryl Streep has phoned it in for over 40 years!"
"You get to make a speech that the president will tweet about during his 5am bowel movement."
And from our own:
"What do you call a tweet in the past tense"? A twat??" -Missy
Red Carpet commentary:
Robin Roberts: nothing but drama on this dress. I like it. Cassie and Missy are haters.
Emma Stone: current favorite for best dress from me, Missy, maybe the guys. I don't know they dont share their feelings. But as with most things, I feel like they agree with me.
Isabelle Huppert: Cassie's front runner for best dress
Damion (La La Land): too much BLUE. Right?!
Janelle Monae: HUGE dress, HUUUUUGE! I love how interesting it is. Everyone is throwing shade.
Viola Davis: we love her so freakin much, always looks like the dress was made for her.
Charlize Theron: One person said her accordion dress looks like that stuff uou put in your windshield to keep the sun out. Who says stuff like this??? (CASSIE)
Aaaaaand we are back! We are here! I'm live and watching the Oscars in real time and it's a big freakin deal.
How did we get here? I started "live" blogging award shows several years ago on a dark and lonely night. Jake was out, and it was just me and my bottle of wine and my Oscars. So I opened a blog post and start tap-tap-tapping away. What resulted what one of the most beloved, highly-followed blogs that's ever existed on the internet.
(obviously I'm kidding) To all 7 of you still reading, we are happy you are here. Tonight I've got my friends near me, and our kids are being entertained by our fantastic babysitter. (I won't share her name because then you all will steal her and I can't have that, I can't.)
Cast of characters:
Cassie: she has seen all the best picture nominations
Jake: my beautiful husby
Missy: she's long on opinions and low on actual knowledge of the movies
Joe: remote control king and scorekeeper - we all filled out ballots and the stakes are HIGH, no pressure, Joe!
hmv: yours truly, the documentarian. I'm also long on opinions and (having 2 young kids) I've basically seen like 1.2 of these movies, but that won't stop me!
So stay tuned, next up: OSCAR RED CARPET COMMENTARY.