Oscars 2017 Live Blog Extravaganza!

Wait whaaaat?! They announced the wrong winner of best movie. The WRONG winner! What??!! How does that happen. I mean the announcer said how it happened but it still didn't make any GD sense?! Well congrats,

MOONLIGHT!

You the winner, ... we think?

~hmv


"It's the nicest reception I've had in 250,000 years!" - Shirley McClaine, my personal hero

"My absence is out of respect for the people of my country..." - Iranian winner of best foreign film

"What's the deal with Mel's beautiful 26 year old child bride? I can't stop wondering about what must be going through her mind." -Carolyn my girl

"I'm not a Sting Fan, is that bad?" - Jake. To which we said, Yes. (But we meant, no, it's fine.)

Jimmy Kimmel's stunt with live people coming in during the Oscars:  very clever. We liked the idea. But for the love of god-things, PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN! 


We are getting input from the gallery via text:

Carolyn: That Moana girl is SIXTEEN! And it looked like she got smacked and totally didn't react.

True. That is true. We all noticed, and she handled it like a BOSS.

Dropping Red Vines and Junior Mints! Love it. They need this nourishment.

Sound mixing....we have NO idea on this one. What does this category even mean?! I apparently didn't even vote on it, because I am "not smart." But everyone else got it wrong so no harm no foul. Or some such cliche.


The Awards are going out! People are winning and people are losing. (And I mean us, the voters here in South Eugene)

We are basically tied up until the Makeup and Costume awards were announced, and then....

MISSY TOOK THE LEAD! Speech speech speech! [she gave a speech]

Ok now we've got Hidden Figures. And that speech was very short from the lady who actually was a hidden figure.

Documentary: and the Oscar goes to MISSY!!??? How and what?! She has misled us in her lack of knowledge. She's a RINGER!

Here's some tips on doing a great speech:

1. Focus dude.

2. Don't talk about how much time you left.

3. Talk about something funny, something meaningful, and something self-deprecating.

4. Include something you are passionate about. Not sky-diving. Not beanie babies. Something that actually matters.

You're welcome, Hollywood!


Monologue!!!

Opening number: too good for words. Also I was too busy with watching it (drinking wine) to do a play-by-play on that one.

Clay: Ai AI AI!!! (Clay is a poet warrior of the 2-year-old variety)

Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon try to buy the hatchet. "Chinese pony tail"?? I'm confused. What's new"?

Other great lines:
"Black people saved NASA and white people saved Jazz."

"Manchester by the sea. People who liked this also bought Zoloft."

"We don't discriminate based on what country you come from. We discriminate based on age and how much you weigh."

"Meryl Streep has phoned it in for over 40 years!"

"You get to make a speech that the president will tweet about during his 5am bowel movement." 

And from our own:

"What do you call a tweet in the past tense"? A twat??"  -Missy


Red Carpet commentary:

Robin Roberts: nothing but drama on this dress. I like it. Cassie and Missy are haters.

Emma Stone: current favorite for best dress from me, Missy, maybe the guys. I don't know they dont share their feelings. But as with most things, I feel like they agree with me.

Isabelle Huppert: Cassie's front runner for best dress

Damion (La La Land): too much BLUE. Right?!

Janelle Monae: HUGE dress, HUUUUUGE! I love how interesting it is. Everyone is throwing shade.

Viola Davis: we love her so freakin much, always looks like the dress was made for her.

Charlize Theron: One person said her accordion dress looks like that stuff uou put in your windshield to keep the sun out.  Who says stuff like this??? (CASSIE)


Aaaaaand we are back! We are here! I'm live and watching the Oscars in real time and it's a big freakin deal.

How did we get here? I started "live" blogging award shows several years ago on a dark and lonely night. Jake was out, and it was just me and my bottle of wine and my Oscars. So I opened a blog post and start tap-tap-tapping away. What resulted what one of the most beloved, highly-followed blogs that's ever existed on the internet.

(obviously I'm kidding) To all 7 of you still reading, we are happy you are here. Tonight I've got my friends near me, and our kids are being entertained by our fantastic babysitter. (I won't share her name because then you all will steal her and I can't have that, I can't.)

Cast of characters:
Cassie: she has seen all the best picture nominations
Jake: my beautiful husby
Missy: she's long on opinions and low on actual knowledge of the movies
Joe: remote control king and scorekeeper - we all filled out ballots and the stakes are HIGH, no pressure, Joe!
hmv: yours truly, the documentarian. I'm also long on opinions and (having 2 young kids) I've basically seen like 1.2 of these movies, but that won't stop me!

So stay tuned, next up: OSCAR RED CARPET COMMENTARY.

"Live" Blog of the 86th Academy Awards!

8:45

Matthew McConaughey never disappoints. A rather well structured acceptance speech. And then of course the best ending ... "Alright alright alright."

Ok, time for the big one: BEST PICTURE GOES TO.....12 Years a Slave. Cassie wins again. (I've stopped even announcing when she wins.  She is 22 for 24! RINGER)

Welp, that's it for me! Thanks for joining. It has been fun.


7:05.

This.

2014-03-02 19.04.00.jpg

Was hilarious.

Update: This picture was posted on Twitter and it was retweeted so many times that it not only set a record but also BROKE TWITTER! And guess who retweeted it??? @lifeofhmv


6:40

Why has no one been cut off by the music? Are we just going no rules tonight? Fine.

Now is a pretty good time to visit some of the amazing Tweets of the night.

@tarankillam: McConaughey's mom's cleavage...Alright alright alright.

@robdelaney: Will they have time to edit Kim Novak into the In Memoriam section?

@pattonoswald: If FROZEN doesn't win it will be my daughter's "supervillain origin" moment.


5:58

Costume design goes to....CASSIE! (The Great Gatsby) Argg!  This is where I start to regret not copying everything she wrote.

Wigs and Makeup category: Haha just kidding it's Hair and Makeup. Nice joke, C. And we all win with Dallas Buyers Club.

...well don't get too excited team, we all lose with Best Animated Short. But I feel like a winner because that spectacle of an introduction from Kim Novak. What HaPpEneD?!! What a messy mess. Did the projector break? Did her mind??

Special effects: Everyone picked Gravity! Way to go. I did not. I picked Start Trek. Kind of because I couldn't believe it was on the list for Oscar anything.


5:00 Oscars BEGIN!

Ellen!!! Wait, Ellen! What are you wearing?! Velvet? With glitter?!

Awesome jokes!

Jennifer [Lawrence], if you win tonight I think we should just bring you the Oscar.

Jonah [Hill], you showed me something in that film that I have not seen for a very very long time.

(It's a penis. Cassie had to tell me this. But then you think about it... BOOM.... hilarious.

Best Supporting Actor: Is anyone surprised......Jared Leto! He really did amazing in this role. And then he thanks his mother and *gah!* *choked up!* Can't handle it! What a sweet kindhearted person.


4:00 Red Carpet begins! (all our red caret commentary is posted in this section)

Aaaand we're off!  We are joined by some friends today, so here is a guide to who I will be referencing:

Missy: has seen 1 Oscar movie this year; excellent guesser.

Cassie: has seen ALL of the movies. ALL of them. Total ringer.

Joe: has seen 2 Oscar movies; on toddler duty (we are all on toddler duty, but right now he is playing with the Disney princess scooter so it seems fitting to give him some props.

Jake: my husbie; also a pretty good guesser of things; addicted to Wikipedia (which might help with the "guessing"...hmmm).

hmv: yours truly.

Dresses we are loving:

Amy Adams: beautiful in blue. Beautiful in everything.

June Squibb: looking delightful in her emerald dress and actual emeralds. This is Jake's sneaker pick for Best Supporting Actress. I don't know Jake... That category is STACKED.

Jennifer Lawrence: We are mixed on this dress. General agreement that her hair is odd...but I don't know. It works for a short hair look. 

Looks we don't dig:

Viola Davis: the darting is all wrong on this dress.  She looks kind of ... lopsided?

Anna Kendrick: weird stuff going with the see-through panels. Missy claims that she wore this to her 8th grade prom. Questionable. But clearly a strike against this look (nothing good comes from 8th grade).

Julia Roberts: Nooo! What is up with the Morticia Addams look?



3:12pm

Welcome to the hmv "Live" Blog of the Oscars! This post will update (newest to oldest) as the glorious event goes down. Stay with us! This time I have special guests, prediction sheets, maybe an interview or two...whatever else I come up with! GO OSCARS!

LIVE BLOG of the 85th Academy Awards - Oscars! HMV style!

Last thoughts:

Q: Maren, you won the Oscar pool this year, did you ever think you could do it?

- Yes I did think I could do it.  It took not a lot of research, not a lot of intelligence, just a lot of common sense.  And I mean that to be a diss.  Suck it.

Q: Jake, no one thought you could do it, but you predicted best movie, how did you do it?

- A lot of hard work.   I saw the movie.  I liked it. 

Are you Ron Swanson?

- Hopefully.

Q: H, who would you like thank for your super fun Oscar day extravaganza?

- I would like to thank alcohol. The internet. Also, my fans.  I would not like to thank my sister and my husband who have predicted the Oscars like a voodoo, witch scientist. 

Peace out, fans.  I heart you.


(hmv):

Best picture: Michelle Obama is looking gooooood.  Her bangs be bangin!  Oh wait, I guess she is not giving out the award.  Jack Nicholson....you are funny.  The award goes to ARGO!!!!  Oh poo, I picked Lincoln.  Maren, The Unbeatable, picked Les Mis.  Haha ... Les Mis.  Anyways, nice job, Jakey!

(Maren):

Best actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, no surprise. Fantastic, fantastic speech.

Best score: Seth Macfarlane, I'm throwing you a bone, catch!

Didn't know you wrote Ted's Original Score, nice job. Douche.

No one worry, I'm ahead on the scoreboard.


(hmv):

Adele's performance drew a lot of interesting comments.  None of them topical.  Or accurate.  Let's play

Guess, That, Quote!

"Is she lip syncing?"

"NO!"

"It's not the lip syncing we're talking about, its the lips...they've been pumped up."

"I only want Nicole Kidman to sound like she did in Practical Magic, because that was my favorite movie."

"Oh yeah, 'sequins', I know what they are. ... Wait, sparkles?"

"Oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening, I was in...baby eyes [swoon]."


Aw crap, if you are still following, we need to take a break here and recharge the battery.  And our drinks! -7:40pm hmv


(Maren):

Hannah- "Does anyone love Seth Macfarlane more than Seth Macfaclane?"

We have been visited by the divine Matellas!  And special guest Ms. Emmeline, the 3-week-old lil wonder.

So I just realized this Oscars is a tribute to music in the movies.  I didn't understand why we were watching Catherine Z-J singing Chicago song again... is she promoting some other movie that people under 20 have heard of?  [ZING!]

Les Mis montage.  Missy wonders "are they lip syncing this?!" Are we having a Beyonce moment?"

Maren wonders, "Is Anne Hathaway hiding a baby bump?"

Missy: "What?  Is that true?"

Maren: "Yep.  You heard it here first.  (No, I just made that up.)"


(Maren):

John Travolta. Pulp Fiction. Saturday Night Fever. Grease. What do they have in common?

They have NOTHING on Phenomenon. 


(hmv):

Finally, Jake and I are getting some points on the board.

Argo was an amazing movie.  Just amazing.  It really got right to the point of the situation and put you there, but without  being too over-the-top.  They used humor in just the right way, in just the right amount.

Now Lincoln,  We Americans need watch movies like this.  We should be proud.  We should be ashamed.  We should see history for how it is...albeit, with a Hollywood slant.  Do we ever see history in any other light?

Dun dun DuuuuuuuNNN!


(Maren): 50 years of Bond. Who knew, not us. Except for Jake.

Halle Berry, Halle if I may, did you feel like kicking Seth in the nuts after the stomach flu, ladies looking good terrible joke?  I did.

Kerry Washington, you. are. stunning.

Shout out to Samuel L. Jackson's suit.  AND for not laughing during Seth's degrading Boob song.

Everyone is on the board with Life of Pi Visual Effects.  Sorry you got cut off visual effects man...


SCORE BOARD. Maren is winning.

Best supporting actor goes to...Maren! (Christopher Waltz)

Best animated short goes to .... Maren!  (Paperman)

Best animated feature goes to ... Maren!  And Hannah!  (Brave)

Jake and I actually went to see all the animated shorts at date night last weekend.  We should be able to pick at least THAT category.  I am saddened.  I am dishearted.  But I will never surrender!


Opening monologue:

The Boobs song.......wHaaaaaT?!  I HATE THAT BIT SO MUCH.  The anger I feel right now is indescribable.  It was so terribly offensive to sing about women in a way that reduces them to a body part that makes men feel aroused.  Auuugh!

Well, ok, Jake and Maren are telling me to lighten up.  I don't know.

Sock puppets...ok, this is getting better.

(Maren):

Charlize and Channing Dancing and Trio Men's Song and Dance.  Love.

Trans Am and Sally Field.  Hilarious.


5:07 (hmv)

Still watching the red carpet.

Hmv: "Is there anything that Halle Barry CAN'T wear?!"

JV: "She could wear a paper bag!!" [smokey old-timey lady voice]

Maren: "Yes!"

Kristin Chenoweth is seriously destroying the interview post.  "Let's talk some more about our height difference!"  And "What are you most excited for?!" (As if anyone could say anything other than that moment when I finally SHOW THESE Beezies what's up!)


4:45, Maren:

Best dressed nominations (so far)

Maren (Me)- Charlize Theron, new haircut and looking so sexy in white.

hmv- Catherine Zeta Jones, this is Oscar attire, ya' all!

Jake- Don't Care. Busy with push-ups or beer or being a man and what not.

P.S. Does Nicole Kidman have a personality? Did Keith Urban watch The Paperboy???!!!! If so, their sex life HAS to be suffering.

If YOU have seen The Paperboy and are still in need of a group therapy session, let me know.


4:22 We are locked and loaded and ready to JUDGE.  The red carpet is red hot. 


3:30 Check back here when the Oscars begin!

We will be live blogging the Oscars with guests:

  • Maren MV: sister, scholar, professional television-and-movie-watcher
  • Jacob V: husby, father of my child, opinion-having extraordinaire 
  • HMV: the bestest

Update: our cards have been completed....let the competition begin!