The hmv "Live" Blog of the 2014 Golden Globe Awards!


 10:18

Well folks, that's all we have to give.  It's been a great night. It's been fun.  It's going to be even better on Oscar night when I reveal .....something awesome.

Hold on to your buns.


9:35

Actress in a comedy: Predictions! Jake says Louis-Dreyfus. Hannah: Lena Dunham (who already wins for most lady cuddles).  Winner: Amy Poehler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "This is so cliche but you get really nervous! I never win!"  He hee I love her.

As my friend reminded me:

"You're so pretty I'm scared to air-kiss you."

Ok...that's a little misleading...but the way I read it, it was a compliment to me. I was flattered, but happy to air-kiss her back.  No, it was actually a real quote from the dum-dums that interviewed Amy Poehler and Tina Fey before the show. What on Earth where they even talking about?! 

I think in their own bizarre way they were commenting on the awesome aura that Amy and Tina exude. They are so funny, and so talented, and they don't take shit from anybody.  They're the kind of people that you can hardly even compliment because they're going to be like "yeah, I know that I'm awesome. Why wouldn't I be? Next question." And I love that.

How is it possible that Brooklyn 9-9 is winning not just one, but TWO Golden Globes. How?! I will have you know, internet, that I said we should record that show, and Jake vetoed. Is it possible that this show is amazing and that that decision with the biggest regret of Jake's adult life?  Well...no. (That's probably a bit of hyperbole, let's not get out of control.) But maybe.

Reese did have a great dress.  Simple but sweet.  My friend text me that it was her fav color for dresses.  It was a good one, but remarkably un-flashy.

And if we haven't mentioned commercials yet... thanks, the P & G ad, "For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger." I am dying in a river of ridiculous tears.  Gah!  My friend texted me that the Tide commercial is something too, so hold on to your hat.

Update: P & G make Tide ... it was the same commercial.  We are both sappy messes due to this detergent-making corporation.

Predictions!  Actor in a motion picture-drama: Jake : Robert Redford.  Hannah: Matthew McConaughey. Hannah wins!!! Yea-ah!  And his speech just. keeps. giving.  "Alright alright alriiiight."


8:46

*significant break was taken*

Little O is in bed (eventually she will be asleep too), dinner is done, drinks are poured. Time to really watch this thing.  Thank gawd for DVR.

Man, American Hustle is cleaning UP.

Amy and Tina's skit about Mr. Golden Globe.  Hil-ari-ass.

Ok, so, did Jared Leto know that he was going to win?  Because he walked into that acceptance speech like a boss.  Like a weird little man-bun donning boss.

Ohhhh Jason Bateman. All you had to do was that little sly smile. I melt.  ...oh and that's all you will do tonight because areyoukiddingme ANDY SANDBURG won something.  I don't even know what category. What happened? What's going on here?! That was waaaay out of left field.


6:01

Ok, so I kind of left off right before it got good.  You guys, Jacqueline whatsherspeech has done what I never thought possible, first of all, she was wasty-wasted (I assume?) while delivering her speech, a piece of sheer drunken genius. And second, she flipped the flippin' bird to the orchestra when they tried to play her off stage.  I don't even think she HEARD the orchestra.  I don't think she heard anything!

Now fast forward...Paula Patton for the WIN! You have stolen my crazypantsdress loving heart! 

Friend text

: Paula Patton.  I think she read your blog and decided to give you the crazy pants dress you were waiting for.

 YES she did.  Yowza!

paula patton golden globes 2014 red carpet 04

Did girlfriend bring a friend on her shoulder? Whhaaa?

Did that hippie guy just win Best Picture? No that can't be. What did he win? Did they just let him get up on stage to see what he'd say?

Bono wins something...well, that's shocking. [sarcasm] But then he has, like, 15 stuttery mess ups? Bono, you know that just because you are wildly successful and famously Irish does not mean that you will not be held to same standards of the English language that the rest of are, right?


5:28

The intro... the amazing, I-already-love-this-please-don't-disappoint-me intro!

Favorite moments:

  • Matt Damon, in any other room you would be kind of a big deal.  Here (and don't take this personal) you're kind of a garbage person.
  • Umm, hi Julia, JUlia! Umm, hi! You know us from TV? 
  • Gravity, the story of how George Clooney would rather float off into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.
  •  Matthew McConaughey lost 45 pounds for his role. Or what women call, "Being in a Movie." 

Also, the balls on these ladies to just stand up and do jokes.  Stand up comedy!  How about that? No flashy gimmicks.  No pre-recorded hilarity.  Just raw performance.  And you know what, they not scarrred.

Best supporting actress: Jennifer Lawrence. Can I possibly love her any more? No, I don't believe I can. She is the realest actress in like, a LONG time. I want to be friends with her.

"I watched all the other movies - ok, not ALL the movies but you know what I mean. ... Why is this so scary?  It's supposed to be a good thing! ... Sorry I'm shaking."

And the award for longest walk up to the podium....Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge of who knows who this is??!


5:00

The red carpet so far....BORING. Where are the crazypants outfits?! A few initial thoughts:

  •  Kerry Washington: I always enjoy when a pregnant star embraces the bump. And Kerry delivers big time. (Haha...get it?  Delivers??  Try to keep up.)
kerry washington debuts baby bump at golden globes 2014 02
  • Sandra Bullock: so much ribcage for such a fancy dress.  And then the darts.  THE DARTS!
sandra bullock golden globes 2014 red carpet 02
  • Friend text! Cassie J.: Zoe Saldana looks crazy.  Julia Roberts looks like she came out of a business meeting and threw a gown over her work clothes. 
julia roberts golden globes 2014 red carpet 02

So true!!

  • Jessica Chastain...always a favorite for red carpet fashion, does not disappoint.
  •  More to come!

4:21pm

Holy shoot, the Golden Globes are finally here!!  And they are on at the convenient time of not--toddler-bedtime o'clock.  Grrr.

CHECK BACK HERE as Jake and I regale you with our thoughts, observations, biased opinions, unresearched predictions, and blatant favoritism.  You guys....AMY POEHLER AND TINA FEY ARE HOSTING and I cannot get any more CAPS-LOCKING excited.  It's like feminist-comedienne-gasm that previously only existed in my head.  Gahhh!!!

A few things:

  1. You can text me your thoughts, and I'll post them on the blog (with permission) so that we can all partake in the festivities together.
  2. I might DVR record some of this, but only because of aforementioned toddler.  I'll keep up in real time as best I can.  
  3. It will be entertaining either way.  Come on.
  4. So. Freaking. Exciting.

More live blogging (real live blogging, mind you) by the Fug Girls at NY Mag.

Even more fun at HuffPost.

OMG the red carpet flooded and nobodycaresI'mboredwiththisstoryalready.  More pretty dresses!!

LIVE BLOG of the 85th Academy Awards - Oscars! HMV style!

Last thoughts:

Q: Maren, you won the Oscar pool this year, did you ever think you could do it?

- Yes I did think I could do it.  It took not a lot of research, not a lot of intelligence, just a lot of common sense.  And I mean that to be a diss.  Suck it.

Q: Jake, no one thought you could do it, but you predicted best movie, how did you do it?

- A lot of hard work.   I saw the movie.  I liked it. 

Are you Ron Swanson?

- Hopefully.

Q: H, who would you like thank for your super fun Oscar day extravaganza?

- I would like to thank alcohol. The internet. Also, my fans.  I would not like to thank my sister and my husband who have predicted the Oscars like a voodoo, witch scientist. 

Peace out, fans.  I heart you.


(hmv):

Best picture: Michelle Obama is looking gooooood.  Her bangs be bangin!  Oh wait, I guess she is not giving out the award.  Jack Nicholson....you are funny.  The award goes to ARGO!!!!  Oh poo, I picked Lincoln.  Maren, The Unbeatable, picked Les Mis.  Haha ... Les Mis.  Anyways, nice job, Jakey!

(Maren):

Best actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, no surprise. Fantastic, fantastic speech.

Best score: Seth Macfarlane, I'm throwing you a bone, catch!

Didn't know you wrote Ted's Original Score, nice job. Douche.

No one worry, I'm ahead on the scoreboard.


(hmv):

Adele's performance drew a lot of interesting comments.  None of them topical.  Or accurate.  Let's play

Guess, That, Quote!

"Is she lip syncing?"

"NO!"

"It's not the lip syncing we're talking about, its the lips...they've been pumped up."

"I only want Nicole Kidman to sound like she did in Practical Magic, because that was my favorite movie."

"Oh yeah, 'sequins', I know what they are. ... Wait, sparkles?"

"Oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening, I was in...baby eyes [swoon]."


Aw crap, if you are still following, we need to take a break here and recharge the battery.  And our drinks! -7:40pm hmv


(Maren):

Hannah- "Does anyone love Seth Macfarlane more than Seth Macfaclane?"

We have been visited by the divine Matellas!  And special guest Ms. Emmeline, the 3-week-old lil wonder.

So I just realized this Oscars is a tribute to music in the movies.  I didn't understand why we were watching Catherine Z-J singing Chicago song again... is she promoting some other movie that people under 20 have heard of?  [ZING!]

Les Mis montage.  Missy wonders "are they lip syncing this?!" Are we having a Beyonce moment?"

Maren wonders, "Is Anne Hathaway hiding a baby bump?"

Missy: "What?  Is that true?"

Maren: "Yep.  You heard it here first.  (No, I just made that up.)"


(Maren):

John Travolta. Pulp Fiction. Saturday Night Fever. Grease. What do they have in common?

They have NOTHING on Phenomenon. 


(hmv):

Finally, Jake and I are getting some points on the board.

Argo was an amazing movie.  Just amazing.  It really got right to the point of the situation and put you there, but without  being too over-the-top.  They used humor in just the right way, in just the right amount.

Now Lincoln,  We Americans need watch movies like this.  We should be proud.  We should be ashamed.  We should see history for how it is...albeit, with a Hollywood slant.  Do we ever see history in any other light?

Dun dun DuuuuuuuNNN!


(Maren): 50 years of Bond. Who knew, not us. Except for Jake.

Halle Berry, Halle if I may, did you feel like kicking Seth in the nuts after the stomach flu, ladies looking good terrible joke?  I did.

Kerry Washington, you. are. stunning.

Shout out to Samuel L. Jackson's suit.  AND for not laughing during Seth's degrading Boob song.

Everyone is on the board with Life of Pi Visual Effects.  Sorry you got cut off visual effects man...


SCORE BOARD. Maren is winning.

Best supporting actor goes to...Maren! (Christopher Waltz)

Best animated short goes to .... Maren!  (Paperman)

Best animated feature goes to ... Maren!  And Hannah!  (Brave)

Jake and I actually went to see all the animated shorts at date night last weekend.  We should be able to pick at least THAT category.  I am saddened.  I am dishearted.  But I will never surrender!


Opening monologue:

The Boobs song.......wHaaaaaT?!  I HATE THAT BIT SO MUCH.  The anger I feel right now is indescribable.  It was so terribly offensive to sing about women in a way that reduces them to a body part that makes men feel aroused.  Auuugh!

Well, ok, Jake and Maren are telling me to lighten up.  I don't know.

Sock puppets...ok, this is getting better.

(Maren):

Charlize and Channing Dancing and Trio Men's Song and Dance.  Love.

Trans Am and Sally Field.  Hilarious.


5:07 (hmv)

Still watching the red carpet.

Hmv: "Is there anything that Halle Barry CAN'T wear?!"

JV: "She could wear a paper bag!!" [smokey old-timey lady voice]

Maren: "Yes!"

Kristin Chenoweth is seriously destroying the interview post.  "Let's talk some more about our height difference!"  And "What are you most excited for?!" (As if anyone could say anything other than that moment when I finally SHOW THESE Beezies what's up!)


4:45, Maren:

Best dressed nominations (so far)

Maren (Me)- Charlize Theron, new haircut and looking so sexy in white.

hmv- Catherine Zeta Jones, this is Oscar attire, ya' all!

Jake- Don't Care. Busy with push-ups or beer or being a man and what not.

P.S. Does Nicole Kidman have a personality? Did Keith Urban watch The Paperboy???!!!! If so, their sex life HAS to be suffering.

If YOU have seen The Paperboy and are still in need of a group therapy session, let me know.


4:22 We are locked and loaded and ready to JUDGE.  The red carpet is red hot. 


3:30 Check back here when the Oscars begin!

We will be live blogging the Oscars with guests:

  • Maren MV: sister, scholar, professional television-and-movie-watcher
  • Jacob V: husby, father of my child, opinion-having extraordinaire 
  • HMV: the bestest

Update: our cards have been completed....let the competition begin!