Oscars 2017 Live Blog Extravaganza!

Wait whaaaat?! They announced the wrong winner of best movie. The WRONG winner! What??!! How does that happen. I mean the announcer said how it happened but it still didn't make any GD sense?! Well congrats,

MOONLIGHT!

You the winner, ... we think?

~hmv


"It's the nicest reception I've had in 250,000 years!" - Shirley McClaine, my personal hero

"My absence is out of respect for the people of my country..." - Iranian winner of best foreign film

"What's the deal with Mel's beautiful 26 year old child bride? I can't stop wondering about what must be going through her mind." -Carolyn my girl

"I'm not a Sting Fan, is that bad?" - Jake. To which we said, Yes. (But we meant, no, it's fine.)

Jimmy Kimmel's stunt with live people coming in during the Oscars:  very clever. We liked the idea. But for the love of god-things, PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN! 


We are getting input from the gallery via text:

Carolyn: That Moana girl is SIXTEEN! And it looked like she got smacked and totally didn't react.

True. That is true. We all noticed, and she handled it like a BOSS.

Dropping Red Vines and Junior Mints! Love it. They need this nourishment.

Sound mixing....we have NO idea on this one. What does this category even mean?! I apparently didn't even vote on it, because I am "not smart." But everyone else got it wrong so no harm no foul. Or some such cliche.


The Awards are going out! People are winning and people are losing. (And I mean us, the voters here in South Eugene)

We are basically tied up until the Makeup and Costume awards were announced, and then....

MISSY TOOK THE LEAD! Speech speech speech! [she gave a speech]

Ok now we've got Hidden Figures. And that speech was very short from the lady who actually was a hidden figure.

Documentary: and the Oscar goes to MISSY!!??? How and what?! She has misled us in her lack of knowledge. She's a RINGER!

Here's some tips on doing a great speech:

1. Focus dude.

2. Don't talk about how much time you left.

3. Talk about something funny, something meaningful, and something self-deprecating.

4. Include something you are passionate about. Not sky-diving. Not beanie babies. Something that actually matters.

You're welcome, Hollywood!


Monologue!!!

Opening number: too good for words. Also I was too busy with watching it (drinking wine) to do a play-by-play on that one.

Clay: Ai AI AI!!! (Clay is a poet warrior of the 2-year-old variety)

Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon try to buy the hatchet. "Chinese pony tail"?? I'm confused. What's new"?

Other great lines:
"Black people saved NASA and white people saved Jazz."

"Manchester by the sea. People who liked this also bought Zoloft."

"We don't discriminate based on what country you come from. We discriminate based on age and how much you weigh."

"Meryl Streep has phoned it in for over 40 years!"

"You get to make a speech that the president will tweet about during his 5am bowel movement." 

And from our own:

"What do you call a tweet in the past tense"? A twat??"  -Missy


Red Carpet commentary:

Robin Roberts: nothing but drama on this dress. I like it. Cassie and Missy are haters.

Emma Stone: current favorite for best dress from me, Missy, maybe the guys. I don't know they dont share their feelings. But as with most things, I feel like they agree with me.

Isabelle Huppert: Cassie's front runner for best dress

Damion (La La Land): too much BLUE. Right?!

Janelle Monae: HUGE dress, HUUUUUGE! I love how interesting it is. Everyone is throwing shade.

Viola Davis: we love her so freakin much, always looks like the dress was made for her.

Charlize Theron: One person said her accordion dress looks like that stuff uou put in your windshield to keep the sun out.  Who says stuff like this??? (CASSIE)


Aaaaaand we are back! We are here! I'm live and watching the Oscars in real time and it's a big freakin deal.

How did we get here? I started "live" blogging award shows several years ago on a dark and lonely night. Jake was out, and it was just me and my bottle of wine and my Oscars. So I opened a blog post and start tap-tap-tapping away. What resulted what one of the most beloved, highly-followed blogs that's ever existed on the internet.

(obviously I'm kidding) To all 7 of you still reading, we are happy you are here. Tonight I've got my friends near me, and our kids are being entertained by our fantastic babysitter. (I won't share her name because then you all will steal her and I can't have that, I can't.)

Cast of characters:
Cassie: she has seen all the best picture nominations
Jake: my beautiful husby
Missy: she's long on opinions and low on actual knowledge of the movies
Joe: remote control king and scorekeeper - we all filled out ballots and the stakes are HIGH, no pressure, Joe!
hmv: yours truly, the documentarian. I'm also long on opinions and (having 2 young kids) I've basically seen like 1.2 of these movies, but that won't stop me!

So stay tuned, next up: OSCAR RED CARPET COMMENTARY.

"Live" Blog of the 86th Academy Awards!

8:45

Matthew McConaughey never disappoints. A rather well structured acceptance speech. And then of course the best ending ... "Alright alright alright."

Ok, time for the big one: BEST PICTURE GOES TO.....12 Years a Slave. Cassie wins again. (I've stopped even announcing when she wins.  She is 22 for 24! RINGER)

Welp, that's it for me! Thanks for joining. It has been fun.


7:05.

This.

2014-03-02 19.04.00.jpg

Was hilarious.

Update: This picture was posted on Twitter and it was retweeted so many times that it not only set a record but also BROKE TWITTER! And guess who retweeted it??? @lifeofhmv


6:40

Why has no one been cut off by the music? Are we just going no rules tonight? Fine.

Now is a pretty good time to visit some of the amazing Tweets of the night.

@tarankillam: McConaughey's mom's cleavage...Alright alright alright.

@robdelaney: Will they have time to edit Kim Novak into the In Memoriam section?

@pattonoswald: If FROZEN doesn't win it will be my daughter's "supervillain origin" moment.


5:58

Costume design goes to....CASSIE! (The Great Gatsby) Argg!  This is where I start to regret not copying everything she wrote.

Wigs and Makeup category: Haha just kidding it's Hair and Makeup. Nice joke, C. And we all win with Dallas Buyers Club.

...well don't get too excited team, we all lose with Best Animated Short. But I feel like a winner because that spectacle of an introduction from Kim Novak. What HaPpEneD?!! What a messy mess. Did the projector break? Did her mind??

Special effects: Everyone picked Gravity! Way to go. I did not. I picked Start Trek. Kind of because I couldn't believe it was on the list for Oscar anything.


5:00 Oscars BEGIN!

Ellen!!! Wait, Ellen! What are you wearing?! Velvet? With glitter?!

Awesome jokes!

Jennifer [Lawrence], if you win tonight I think we should just bring you the Oscar.

Jonah [Hill], you showed me something in that film that I have not seen for a very very long time.

(It's a penis. Cassie had to tell me this. But then you think about it... BOOM.... hilarious.

Best Supporting Actor: Is anyone surprised......Jared Leto! He really did amazing in this role. And then he thanks his mother and *gah!* *choked up!* Can't handle it! What a sweet kindhearted person.


4:00 Red Carpet begins! (all our red caret commentary is posted in this section)

Aaaand we're off!  We are joined by some friends today, so here is a guide to who I will be referencing:

Missy: has seen 1 Oscar movie this year; excellent guesser.

Cassie: has seen ALL of the movies. ALL of them. Total ringer.

Joe: has seen 2 Oscar movies; on toddler duty (we are all on toddler duty, but right now he is playing with the Disney princess scooter so it seems fitting to give him some props.

Jake: my husbie; also a pretty good guesser of things; addicted to Wikipedia (which might help with the "guessing"...hmmm).

hmv: yours truly.

Dresses we are loving:

Amy Adams: beautiful in blue. Beautiful in everything.

June Squibb: looking delightful in her emerald dress and actual emeralds. This is Jake's sneaker pick for Best Supporting Actress. I don't know Jake... That category is STACKED.

Jennifer Lawrence: We are mixed on this dress. General agreement that her hair is odd...but I don't know. It works for a short hair look. 

Looks we don't dig:

Viola Davis: the darting is all wrong on this dress.  She looks kind of ... lopsided?

Anna Kendrick: weird stuff going with the see-through panels. Missy claims that she wore this to her 8th grade prom. Questionable. But clearly a strike against this look (nothing good comes from 8th grade).

Julia Roberts: Nooo! What is up with the Morticia Addams look?



3:12pm

Welcome to the hmv "Live" Blog of the Oscars! This post will update (newest to oldest) as the glorious event goes down. Stay with us! This time I have special guests, prediction sheets, maybe an interview or two...whatever else I come up with! GO OSCARS!

The hmv "Live" Blog of the 2014 Golden Globe Awards!


 10:18

Well folks, that's all we have to give.  It's been a great night. It's been fun.  It's going to be even better on Oscar night when I reveal .....something awesome.

Hold on to your buns.


9:35

Actress in a comedy: Predictions! Jake says Louis-Dreyfus. Hannah: Lena Dunham (who already wins for most lady cuddles).  Winner: Amy Poehler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "This is so cliche but you get really nervous! I never win!"  He hee I love her.

As my friend reminded me:

"You're so pretty I'm scared to air-kiss you."

Ok...that's a little misleading...but the way I read it, it was a compliment to me. I was flattered, but happy to air-kiss her back.  No, it was actually a real quote from the dum-dums that interviewed Amy Poehler and Tina Fey before the show. What on Earth where they even talking about?! 

I think in their own bizarre way they were commenting on the awesome aura that Amy and Tina exude. They are so funny, and so talented, and they don't take shit from anybody.  They're the kind of people that you can hardly even compliment because they're going to be like "yeah, I know that I'm awesome. Why wouldn't I be? Next question." And I love that.

How is it possible that Brooklyn 9-9 is winning not just one, but TWO Golden Globes. How?! I will have you know, internet, that I said we should record that show, and Jake vetoed. Is it possible that this show is amazing and that that decision with the biggest regret of Jake's adult life?  Well...no. (That's probably a bit of hyperbole, let's not get out of control.) But maybe.

Reese did have a great dress.  Simple but sweet.  My friend text me that it was her fav color for dresses.  It was a good one, but remarkably un-flashy.

And if we haven't mentioned commercials yet... thanks, the P & G ad, "For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger." I am dying in a river of ridiculous tears.  Gah!  My friend texted me that the Tide commercial is something too, so hold on to your hat.

Update: P & G make Tide ... it was the same commercial.  We are both sappy messes due to this detergent-making corporation.

Predictions!  Actor in a motion picture-drama: Jake : Robert Redford.  Hannah: Matthew McConaughey. Hannah wins!!! Yea-ah!  And his speech just. keeps. giving.  "Alright alright alriiiight."


8:46

*significant break was taken*

Little O is in bed (eventually she will be asleep too), dinner is done, drinks are poured. Time to really watch this thing.  Thank gawd for DVR.

Man, American Hustle is cleaning UP.

Amy and Tina's skit about Mr. Golden Globe.  Hil-ari-ass.

Ok, so, did Jared Leto know that he was going to win?  Because he walked into that acceptance speech like a boss.  Like a weird little man-bun donning boss.

Ohhhh Jason Bateman. All you had to do was that little sly smile. I melt.  ...oh and that's all you will do tonight because areyoukiddingme ANDY SANDBURG won something.  I don't even know what category. What happened? What's going on here?! That was waaaay out of left field.


6:01

Ok, so I kind of left off right before it got good.  You guys, Jacqueline whatsherspeech has done what I never thought possible, first of all, she was wasty-wasted (I assume?) while delivering her speech, a piece of sheer drunken genius. And second, she flipped the flippin' bird to the orchestra when they tried to play her off stage.  I don't even think she HEARD the orchestra.  I don't think she heard anything!

Now fast forward...Paula Patton for the WIN! You have stolen my crazypantsdress loving heart! 

Friend text

: Paula Patton.  I think she read your blog and decided to give you the crazy pants dress you were waiting for.

 YES she did.  Yowza!

paula patton golden globes 2014 red carpet 04

Did girlfriend bring a friend on her shoulder? Whhaaa?

Did that hippie guy just win Best Picture? No that can't be. What did he win? Did they just let him get up on stage to see what he'd say?

Bono wins something...well, that's shocking. [sarcasm] But then he has, like, 15 stuttery mess ups? Bono, you know that just because you are wildly successful and famously Irish does not mean that you will not be held to same standards of the English language that the rest of are, right?


5:28

The intro... the amazing, I-already-love-this-please-don't-disappoint-me intro!

Favorite moments:

  • Matt Damon, in any other room you would be kind of a big deal.  Here (and don't take this personal) you're kind of a garbage person.
  • Umm, hi Julia, JUlia! Umm, hi! You know us from TV? 
  • Gravity, the story of how George Clooney would rather float off into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.
  •  Matthew McConaughey lost 45 pounds for his role. Or what women call, "Being in a Movie." 

Also, the balls on these ladies to just stand up and do jokes.  Stand up comedy!  How about that? No flashy gimmicks.  No pre-recorded hilarity.  Just raw performance.  And you know what, they not scarrred.

Best supporting actress: Jennifer Lawrence. Can I possibly love her any more? No, I don't believe I can. She is the realest actress in like, a LONG time. I want to be friends with her.

"I watched all the other movies - ok, not ALL the movies but you know what I mean. ... Why is this so scary?  It's supposed to be a good thing! ... Sorry I'm shaking."

And the award for longest walk up to the podium....Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge of who knows who this is??!


5:00

The red carpet so far....BORING. Where are the crazypants outfits?! A few initial thoughts:

  •  Kerry Washington: I always enjoy when a pregnant star embraces the bump. And Kerry delivers big time. (Haha...get it?  Delivers??  Try to keep up.)
kerry washington debuts baby bump at golden globes 2014 02
  • Sandra Bullock: so much ribcage for such a fancy dress.  And then the darts.  THE DARTS!
sandra bullock golden globes 2014 red carpet 02
  • Friend text! Cassie J.: Zoe Saldana looks crazy.  Julia Roberts looks like she came out of a business meeting and threw a gown over her work clothes. 
julia roberts golden globes 2014 red carpet 02

So true!!

  • Jessica Chastain...always a favorite for red carpet fashion, does not disappoint.
  •  More to come!

4:21pm

Holy shoot, the Golden Globes are finally here!!  And they are on at the convenient time of not--toddler-bedtime o'clock.  Grrr.

CHECK BACK HERE as Jake and I regale you with our thoughts, observations, biased opinions, unresearched predictions, and blatant favoritism.  You guys....AMY POEHLER AND TINA FEY ARE HOSTING and I cannot get any more CAPS-LOCKING excited.  It's like feminist-comedienne-gasm that previously only existed in my head.  Gahhh!!!

A few things:

  1. You can text me your thoughts, and I'll post them on the blog (with permission) so that we can all partake in the festivities together.
  2. I might DVR record some of this, but only because of aforementioned toddler.  I'll keep up in real time as best I can.  
  3. It will be entertaining either way.  Come on.
  4. So. Freaking. Exciting.

More live blogging (real live blogging, mind you) by the Fug Girls at NY Mag.

Even more fun at HuffPost.

OMG the red carpet flooded and nobodycaresI'mboredwiththisstoryalready.  More pretty dresses!!

LIVE BLOG of the 85th Academy Awards - Oscars! HMV style!

Last thoughts:

Q: Maren, you won the Oscar pool this year, did you ever think you could do it?

- Yes I did think I could do it.  It took not a lot of research, not a lot of intelligence, just a lot of common sense.  And I mean that to be a diss.  Suck it.

Q: Jake, no one thought you could do it, but you predicted best movie, how did you do it?

- A lot of hard work.   I saw the movie.  I liked it. 

Are you Ron Swanson?

- Hopefully.

Q: H, who would you like thank for your super fun Oscar day extravaganza?

- I would like to thank alcohol. The internet. Also, my fans.  I would not like to thank my sister and my husband who have predicted the Oscars like a voodoo, witch scientist. 

Peace out, fans.  I heart you.


(hmv):

Best picture: Michelle Obama is looking gooooood.  Her bangs be bangin!  Oh wait, I guess she is not giving out the award.  Jack Nicholson....you are funny.  The award goes to ARGO!!!!  Oh poo, I picked Lincoln.  Maren, The Unbeatable, picked Les Mis.  Haha ... Les Mis.  Anyways, nice job, Jakey!

(Maren):

Best actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, no surprise. Fantastic, fantastic speech.

Best score: Seth Macfarlane, I'm throwing you a bone, catch!

Didn't know you wrote Ted's Original Score, nice job. Douche.

No one worry, I'm ahead on the scoreboard.


(hmv):

Adele's performance drew a lot of interesting comments.  None of them topical.  Or accurate.  Let's play

Guess, That, Quote!

"Is she lip syncing?"

"NO!"

"It's not the lip syncing we're talking about, its the lips...they've been pumped up."

"I only want Nicole Kidman to sound like she did in Practical Magic, because that was my favorite movie."

"Oh yeah, 'sequins', I know what they are. ... Wait, sparkles?"

"Oh I'm sorry I wasn't listening, I was in...baby eyes [swoon]."


Aw crap, if you are still following, we need to take a break here and recharge the battery.  And our drinks! -7:40pm hmv


(Maren):

Hannah- "Does anyone love Seth Macfarlane more than Seth Macfaclane?"

We have been visited by the divine Matellas!  And special guest Ms. Emmeline, the 3-week-old lil wonder.

So I just realized this Oscars is a tribute to music in the movies.  I didn't understand why we were watching Catherine Z-J singing Chicago song again... is she promoting some other movie that people under 20 have heard of?  [ZING!]

Les Mis montage.  Missy wonders "are they lip syncing this?!" Are we having a Beyonce moment?"

Maren wonders, "Is Anne Hathaway hiding a baby bump?"

Missy: "What?  Is that true?"

Maren: "Yep.  You heard it here first.  (No, I just made that up.)"


(Maren):

John Travolta. Pulp Fiction. Saturday Night Fever. Grease. What do they have in common?

They have NOTHING on Phenomenon. 


(hmv):

Finally, Jake and I are getting some points on the board.

Argo was an amazing movie.  Just amazing.  It really got right to the point of the situation and put you there, but without  being too over-the-top.  They used humor in just the right way, in just the right amount.

Now Lincoln,  We Americans need watch movies like this.  We should be proud.  We should be ashamed.  We should see history for how it is...albeit, with a Hollywood slant.  Do we ever see history in any other light?

Dun dun DuuuuuuuNNN!


(Maren): 50 years of Bond. Who knew, not us. Except for Jake.

Halle Berry, Halle if I may, did you feel like kicking Seth in the nuts after the stomach flu, ladies looking good terrible joke?  I did.

Kerry Washington, you. are. stunning.

Shout out to Samuel L. Jackson's suit.  AND for not laughing during Seth's degrading Boob song.

Everyone is on the board with Life of Pi Visual Effects.  Sorry you got cut off visual effects man...


SCORE BOARD. Maren is winning.

Best supporting actor goes to...Maren! (Christopher Waltz)

Best animated short goes to .... Maren!  (Paperman)

Best animated feature goes to ... Maren!  And Hannah!  (Brave)

Jake and I actually went to see all the animated shorts at date night last weekend.  We should be able to pick at least THAT category.  I am saddened.  I am dishearted.  But I will never surrender!


Opening monologue:

The Boobs song.......wHaaaaaT?!  I HATE THAT BIT SO MUCH.  The anger I feel right now is indescribable.  It was so terribly offensive to sing about women in a way that reduces them to a body part that makes men feel aroused.  Auuugh!

Well, ok, Jake and Maren are telling me to lighten up.  I don't know.

Sock puppets...ok, this is getting better.

(Maren):

Charlize and Channing Dancing and Trio Men's Song and Dance.  Love.

Trans Am and Sally Field.  Hilarious.


5:07 (hmv)

Still watching the red carpet.

Hmv: "Is there anything that Halle Barry CAN'T wear?!"

JV: "She could wear a paper bag!!" [smokey old-timey lady voice]

Maren: "Yes!"

Kristin Chenoweth is seriously destroying the interview post.  "Let's talk some more about our height difference!"  And "What are you most excited for?!" (As if anyone could say anything other than that moment when I finally SHOW THESE Beezies what's up!)


4:45, Maren:

Best dressed nominations (so far)

Maren (Me)- Charlize Theron, new haircut and looking so sexy in white.

hmv- Catherine Zeta Jones, this is Oscar attire, ya' all!

Jake- Don't Care. Busy with push-ups or beer or being a man and what not.

P.S. Does Nicole Kidman have a personality? Did Keith Urban watch The Paperboy???!!!! If so, their sex life HAS to be suffering.

If YOU have seen The Paperboy and are still in need of a group therapy session, let me know.


4:22 We are locked and loaded and ready to JUDGE.  The red carpet is red hot. 


3:30 Check back here when the Oscars begin!

We will be live blogging the Oscars with guests:

  • Maren MV: sister, scholar, professional television-and-movie-watcher
  • Jacob V: husby, father of my child, opinion-having extraordinaire 
  • HMV: the bestest

Update: our cards have been completed....let the competition begin!

"Live" Blog: Country Music Awards Y'All!

Here we go with another HMV special feature.  Let me preface this by saying that I have a special place in my heart for Country Music, HOWEVER I am by no means an expert on the topic.  Well that's never stopped me before... so here we go!


Intro song: Who ARE these people?? Seriously.  I should know at least ONE of them.

Brad and Carrie host again!  yaaa..y

Now a super-long Taylor Swift joke ... super long ... and then "I bet she won't write a song about it or anything." And then Jake, "I hate the fact that I find that funny."  [laugh through my nose]

Say what you will about Carrie U., that girl is VERY comfortable in front of the mic.  She is a natural host.  Or MC.  Can you call it an MC when it is Country, and 99.12% of the audience is white?

Single of the Year: Little Big Town!  Jake called it!  And it's called "Motorboating!"  I actually really like this group.  I think they have a lot more good stuff to come.  But the Motorboating jokes are a bit much.  Is this really so scandalous??

If you're still watching, let's start a drinking game.  Every time they thank

Country radio!

Country music fans!

Country music [the amorphous being]!

...take a drink.

"What if Jennifer Nettles goes into labor?" ... Holy moly this joke landed on its FACE.

Tim McGraw performs.  Man, here's the thing with Tim McG.  I love him, I love his music, I loved Indian Outlaw before anybody knew it was racist (stop it, Spokane, you know it is).  But do the fans of today still love Tim?  I hope so.  But sometimes when I watch the stars that I know and love from the 90's, I think about how it would be if *I* kept doing what I was doing 15 years ago.  It would be ... I don't know ... ridiculous.  Let's just start there.  But the song is over now, and you know what?  The man has still got it.

Vocal duo of the year goes to Thompson Squares.  Wait, what was this category?  Vocal duo huh?

Miranda Lambert performs.  ML is a friend I would be scared to have.  She is so cool that I would definitely do whatever she suggested.  And you know she would suggest something just .... bad ass.

Ok, don't tell Jake, but the Zach Brown Band kind of reminds me him.  If he was somehow forced to wear a beanie.  And a big ol' bunch of stage make-up, yikes!

Another band?!  Isn't this an awards show?  Let's see who it is, Dirks....nope, already hit the fast-forward.

Ok, The Band Perry ... mark my words, this wild band of siblings is going somewhere.  I'm not sure where, and I'm not sure if they will all do it together, but they have TALENT.

Song of the Year: Prediction: Over You, Miranda Lambert.  YES!  We both called it!  Oh that song breaks my heart.

Taylor Swift performs.  Oh boy, just when you think she couldn't possibly revive and regenerate the same song in a slightly different variation one more time....you know what?  She does.  But hey, this is the kind of stuff I would have just loved as a pre-teen.  But not now... obviously... not anymore.  Right?

Album of the Year: Prediction: Lady Antebellum.  WHAT?!  Eric So-and-So?  He looks like goofy Johnny Knoxville in the Dukes of Hazard.

Faith Hill performs!  Oh dear....she doesn't look quite...well?  I feel too concerned to make jokes.

Vocal group of the year: Prediction: Little Big Town (Jake); The Band Perry (Hannah)......Jake wins again!  He says he has some kind of formula that takes account of the rigging of the system.  I don't know.  But whoaaa, this band is feeling drunky drunk-drunk.

And speaking of feelings, I feel tired.  Time to give this a rest and settle in for the night.  Thanks for hanging on this long, y'all.  AND THANK YOU COUNTRY MUSIC!  WOO!!  Thank you Jesus!

*face plant*

~Hmv

Not that Anyone Asked: My "Live" DVR Blog of the 64th Emmy Awards

My first "Live" Blog: written in chronological order (start at the top ... and see how long I last)


Intro skit: Loving the girl power here.  Kathy Bates, Mindy Kaling, Christina Hendricks (probs the hottest lady in America and bad ass too), and the naked girl from HBO's Girls.  So far so goo-- oh now they are punching Jimmy Kimmel in the face.  Can't say I've ever been a fan of normalizing violence, but ohhh....the Emmy's!  I can't quit you now!

Kimmel's monologue: FLAT!  What'r'ya? Scared??

Shout out to Lena Dunham!  26 years old and nominated for her first show in like, 10 categories.  Ugh, what have I done with my life?

Outstanding Supporting Actor-Comedy:  Yo!  Amy Poehler's boobs be looking HOT!  Girlfriend looks like she hasn't missed a beat.  Eric Stonestreet, I heart you in the heartiest of ways.

Writing in a comedy series:  I cannot overstate this: LOUIS CK IS A GENIUS.  He always sounds like a bumbling buffoon, but watch his show!  He makes you think.  He plants little thought bombs in your head.  He understands being a parent, in all its heart-wrenching beauty and utter hilariousness.  And that's just a small bit of it.  Anyways...

Outstanding Supporting Actress-Comedy: Well Modern Family will, once again, take over the world.

Best Guest Actor/Actress-Comedy: PREDICTION: Female-Melissa McCarthy, Male-Michael J Fox.   WRONG!  Kathy Bates & Jimmy Fallon.  Flurg.

Outstanding Lead Actor-Comedy: John Cryer?!  Why does everyone love 2 and a Half Men so much?  It's like one long, dick joke.  Ugh.  Ick.

Outstanding Lead Actress-Comedy: Amy Poehler, again, with the jokes.  And Julia Louis-Dreyfus is full of class.  Full. Of. Class.

Best Reality series: PREDICTION: Top Chef.  WRONG! Amazing Race.  Laaaame.  Who even watches that anymore?  I don't watch either one, though.  The only reality shows I keep up on are Big Brother and Kardashians...so, what does that say about me?  (I love excellent programming.)

Tracy Morgan's bit as someone who passed out on stage ... ?  I don't get it.  But I like Tracy. 

Directing in a Drama Series: Martha Plimpton is wearing a strange lacy dress.  It can't decide if it is of the lingerie-meets-dress variety, or the long flowy variety with some lace.  Could have been worse.

Outstanding Lead Actress-Drama: Claire Daines always picks the very best dramas to get involved in, and then she just freakin ROCKS it.  Plus my heart goes out to her forever for her role in Romeo + Juliet and The Family Stone.  Random?  Well, they have a special place in my personal history.  But her pregnant look could have been MUCH better.  Rock the bump, ladies!

Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series: DAILY SHOW WINS AGAIN!  I appreciate the shout-out to The Colbert Report's coverage of Super PACs.  Very good stuff.  But am I bummed that DS wins a TENTH year in a row?  No.  The show is goooood y'all.  I watch it every day like the news.  Because it IS the news, only better.

In Memorium: Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes.  Dick Clark.  Wow.  Phyllis Diller passed just a few weeks ago.  How sad, to lose such a legend.  I just listened to a podcast in which she was interviewed.  One issue (which I've always struggled with) is the way Ms. Diller used female stereotypes to get a laugh.  It is tough.  On the one hand, she paved the way for female comedians.  On the other, she bought into the exact kind of BS that was keeping women in a second-class place to begin with.  A catch 22.  But can we agree that she paved the way?  And she was brave.  Perhaps she could have been braver?  Perhaps.  Couldn't we all?

So that's the gist.  Time for bed.  This has been fun.  And if you've made it this far, congratulations.  You are the coolest person in the world, and my new best friend.  Ha!